Helping a Loved One Heal

You want to be the best partner to the person you love, but you may not know how to support them if they’ve experienced sexual harm like harassment, abuse, rape, or trafficking. Educating yourself on how you can play a role in their healing from sexual violation is a great first step. Read on for ways to support your partner who has survived sexual violence: 

Respect

Everyone is different and will react to trauma in unique ways. It’s important to respect your partner’s individual boundaries and coping mechanisms. If they are not comfortable discussing their experiences, honor their decision. The same goes for physical boundaries. It’s common for survivors to need time to reclaim intimacy and sexuality.

Simply saying, “I am here to support you if you want to talk or need help,” lets them know you care but will not pressure them. If they’re ready to share their story, be ready to listen. 

Listen 

Letting your partner talk about what they’ve experienced and how they’re feeling at their own pace can help them heal and strengthen your relationship. Being a good listener is key, so make sure you give them your full attention, let them finish their thoughts, summarise what they shared, and ask questions with care that focus on how you can support them. 

Avoid judgmental questions or dismissive statements. For example, prodding about their behavior around the assault can come off as blaming. Suggesting that they try to forget it or “move on” is dismissive and minimizes the trauma they’ve endured. Many survivors already struggle with feeling like what happened was their fault—though we know it never is—and deeply wish they could erase the assault. Without meaning to, you could make your partner feel like you do not support them and cause them to retreat from you rather than trust you with their story. 

The goal is to reassure them their emotions are valid and that they can talk to you.  

Believe

Survivors often fear others will doubt, disbelieve, or blame them, which can strain their mental health. Unfortunately, these anxieties come true for many. Having supportive people like you in their life who trust them can make a big difference. 

Be affirming and open to what your partner has to say about their experiences. You can respond to any expression of fear about being doubted by saying, “I believe you.”  

Take any signals or statements that they are considering suicide seriously. You can learn the warning signs and offer help. One resource is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline which anyone can call at any time: 800.273.TALK (8255) 

Connect to Resources 

Your partner may want professional and community support for their healing that builds upon what you can provide in your relationship. Or, maybe you sense that’s the case. Show care and concern by asking if you can assist them in accessing more resources.

You can lend a hand or, if they ask, lead the search for medical care, therapy, support groups, legal services, or other resources. Our resource list is an excellent reference for survivors in Chicago, and RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) has a good search tool for locating providers nationally. Beyond sorting out options, you can offer to join your partner for appointments, give them rides, or take on tasks so they can spend time on healing activities.

Educate Yourself 

By reading this piece, you’re taking steps to educate yourself and support your partner as they heal from sexual harm. Keep learning about the effects of sexual violence and how to take care of yourself, too. You’ll better understand what your partner may be going through and how to be there for them in the long run. Both can deepen your relationship.

We suggest reading:

• Effects of Sexual Violence to help you understand the aftermath
• Understanding PTSD and Sexual Harm
• Reclaiming Sex and Romance After Assault
• Self-Care for Friends and Family of survivors

Supporting a survivor of sexual assault is an ongoing process. Be patient. There are no perfect words or magic ways to heal your partner’s pain, but you can ensure they feel respected, believed, and encouraged by your care. Remember that your willingness to listen to and affirm them goes a long way—and to take care of yourself, too.

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CAASE published this piece on February 9, 2023. It was written by our Communications Manager, Hayley Forrestal. Learn more about our staff here.