Reclaiming Sex and Romance After Assault

February 7, 2021

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From polyamory to asexuality, a genuine sense of sexuality and emotional health should belong to everyone. Survivors, however, often face higher obstacles and rockier terrain when it comes to reclaiming sex and/or romance after harm. While every situation is unique, we talked to experts and gathered answers to common questions survivors have while healing these parts of their identity.

What are the first steps a survivor should take when they feel ready to recover their sexuality?

“It definitely depends on where they’re at in their healing journey, but I think a great first step is always developing awareness around their relationship with sex and sexuality,” says LeChae Mottley, a trauma therapist at Resilience. “It’s also good to take some time to reflect on messaging you’ve received around sex and sexuality throughout your life.”

She also encourages survivors to explore masturbation when they feel comfortable doing so. Solo sex can be a means of therapeutic self-discovery.

“For many clients, I like to think of solo sex and partnered sex separately. Solo sex can be a great way to explore likes, dislikes, and triggers. One activity that may be helpful is developing a scale to document triggers, body sensations and emotions that come with sex,” she continues. “By ranking different activities, survivors can allow themselves to explore the safer end of the spectrum and move up from there.”

What kind of sexual challenges do survivors face?

To put things simply, it’s complicated.

“It really depends on the survivor. Sexual challenges are generally on a spectrum. On one end, folks may find themselves increasing sexual activity and on the other end some may have a deep aversion to sex,” Mottley says. “And of course, most will likely be somewhere in between.”

Specific challenges can include inability to get aroused, lack of interest in sex, inability to experience pleasure or sexual experiences that are higher risk. All challenges are valid and depend on different factors.

How can survivors feel safer in a new romantic or sexual relationship?

Survivors should consider practicing cautious optimism. First dates can be exciting, encouraging, and nerve-wracking, but it’s also critical for a survivor to trust their gut when red flags emerge. And, the wise and common advice still applies: Meeting in a public place when just starting to date someone can offer an easy exit and prevent strong feelings of vulnerability.

It’s also critical for survivors to develop a definition of consent and consider their boundaries when it comes to different and/or new sexual activities. Examining feelings of shame and victim-blaming with a professional can be one of the biggest steps in developing these boundaries.

How can partners support survivors?

“Partners can be supportive by educating themselves on how survivorship can affect sex,” Mottley explains. “It’s important to understand the survivor’s needs and triggers. It may take some patience.”

As always, communication is the best place to start, though it is up to the survivor to disclose and begin the conversation.

“I think it’s great to agree on some communication methods (verbal and nonverbal) and check in regularly (before, during and after),” she continues. “I am a firm believer in survivor-centered approaches, so being open and honoring where the survivor is at any given moment is essential.”

Already a taboo topic in many communities, sex can be tricky to discuss in the healthiest of situations; for assault survivors, this stigma might feel magnified. Partners can help by practicing clear, proactive communication that affirms the survivor’s experience, articulates the boundaries of the relationship, and offers a willingness to be patient.

For example, a good message might sound something like, “I understand how your experiences might make sex difficult, but I want you to know that I respect your boundaries and am willing to wait as long as you need to begin exploring this.”

At the end of the day, however, the most well-meaning partner cannot heal a survivor’s trauma. The return to sex and romance isn’t a matter of outside reassurance and needs to prioritize the inner-struggle of the survivor.

Where else can survivors find support in these situations?

Whether it’s through in-person therapy or taking the first steps by looking online, the following resources are worth consideration:

This piece was published on February 6, 2021. It was authored by KT Hawbaker and edited by Hayley Forrestal. Learn more about our staff here.