Prom season is here! Your children, family members, or other young people in your life might be eagerly preparing for this special night. There’s much to plan and prep for— who their date or group is, coordinating and gathering for photos, finding the perfect outfit, and more make for a highly anticipated high school milestone.

CAASE’s prevention education team sees prom season as a great opportunity to talk to the young people in your life about how you can help them have a memorable, fun, and safe prom experience.

Discussing Consent at Prom

Young people have to make many decisions about prom, not just for themselves, but decisions that impact those around them too, like their dates, or groups they attend with! When dates are chosen, sometimes young people feel pressure. There can be expectations that go along with that date. Remind the young people in your life that when they agree to be someone’s date to prom, that is all they are agreeing to. Whether they want to date in any other context, or go to parties, or hook up, those are decisions separate from agreeing to go as someone’s prom date. All those other things require their own conversation and consent. And, that consent is not permanent, and checking in with your date is key.

“One thing is just reminding young people that you can take consent back. It’s revocable,” says Ryan Spooner, CAASE prevention director. “You’ve decided to go to prom with somebody, even if you decided to go to an after party with somebody, even if you decided to drink with somebody, even if you decided to kiss somebody at any point during that, you can also decide, you know what? That’s enough for me.”

CAASE’s prevention educators define consent as “freely agreeing to any kind of sexual activity with full understanding of what’s happening.” They also use this helpful acronym to illustrate what that actually looks like – A.S.K.

• • Ask questions.

• • Show respect.

• • Keep checking in.

A.S.K. applies not only to sex or hooking up, but plenty of other prom moments too. It may sound like, “Want to dance with me?” or “Can I kiss your cheek for this photo?”, “How are you feeling? Want to sit over there with me for a minute?”

Showing respect is a vital part of consent, but it’s also generally a way to be a good friend or date. With anticipated events like prom, it’s normal for there to be a bit of nervousness, too. Checking in can help everyone involved feel more at ease and connected. Having conversations helps because there are many assumptions about an event like prom. The less we talk about it, the more harmful and confusing it can be. So, start those conversations to help combat some of the confusion or anxiety that can sometimes accompany prom.

Talking Safety and Comfort at After Prom Events

The official prom event is often only half the anticipation of prom night. Young people might be just as excited, if not more so, for after prom. Afterparties are a different environment, and sex and alcohol may play a role. For young people, having conversations around sex can seem confusing and complicated, because sex can be so many different things. As you’re talking about prom, it could be a great time to remind young people that it should be fun.

Even if you don’t think there will be alcohol or substances at prom afterparties for the young person in your life, you can always start the conversation or offer your insights. Even if it’s not applicable to prom, they will probably be somewhere someday where alcohol or substances are, like college.

“When it comes to any kind of alcohol use or other substance use, either before prom, during prom, or at a party afterwards, we tell students if you’re too drunk or high to know what is fully going on around you, you’re too drunk or high to know what’s happening to your body, or somebody else’s body,” says CAASE Prevention Educator Sam McCarthy. “You have to be able to have a full understanding of what’s happening to be able to consent, and so it’s important to be aware of where you’re at, where your potential partner might be at, and it is absolutely OK if maybe you thought something was going to happen after prom and it doesn’t, because it’s not able to happen. Being aware and communicating with your partner throughout the prom and afterwards is always going to be a better bet.”

You can also encourage young people to use bystander intervention after prom. Friends should be looking out for one another and intervene if needed. Just like they might be having conversations about expectations with their prom dates, it doesn’t hurt to extend those conversations to their friends and friend group as well.

Using Prom as an Opportunity To Start Conversations

To make the young person in your life feel valued and not judged, approach these important conversations without shame. Be open and honest. Prom season can serve as a great opportunity to start conversations that might otherwise not come up as organically and can be a timely opportunity as they start new chapters, like going off to college, or starting a new job, or moving out of their childhood homes. As young people grow from children to teenagers, and teenagers to young adults, the reality is that sex is going to become a part of their lives and their friends’ lives at some point. But conversations about consent can start from more neutral events that can lower the stakes and make young people more comfortable talking – like an example in pop culture, or a recent movie scene, or something going on in the news.

“You can have a conversation about consent that doesn’t have to be a conversation about sex,” McCarthy explains. “…Talk about boundaries or changing your mind and start the foundation of practice and consent leading up to those more sensitive conversations about sex.”

Additionally, our reactions and emotions in these conversations as adults are influential, and it’s important we ourselves feel ready to tackle them while staying calm and collected, even if we are surprised at what we hear.

“It’s really important for us, as adults, to check ourselves and really monitor our emotional reaction. It’s OK to be upset by something a young person is telling us,” says Spooner. “…It’s really important for us to not show that anger or that discomfort, because what a child or a teenager is going to see and feel is, ‘Oh no, I’ve said this, and now I’ve upset my caretaker and I’m in trouble.’ So, it’s really important for us to stay neutral, stay receptive, and keep it feeling safe and comfortable.”

When we can be a part of meaningful, open, non-judgmental conversations around these topics with young people, we can better prepare them for healthy experiences at events in their life like prom, and also empower them to be ready for healthy relationships into adulthood.

CAASE prevention education workshops educate and empower students to become active allies in ending sexual harm. Our curriculum is ever-evolving based on current needs and feedback. Learn more about CAASE’s prevention education program on our website.

CAASE published this piece on May 9, 2024. It was authored by Lizzy Springer and edited by Madeleine Behr with input from Ryan Spooner and Sam McCarthy. Learn more about our staff here.